I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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