mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
