I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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