If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
