someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
