Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
