Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
