Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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