Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
