you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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