He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
