You smell like stripper and shame
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Im part way to drunk.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
