I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
