In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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