I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i think my mom watched the whole time
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
