eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
