i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the gays at disneyland are vicious
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
