You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
