i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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