Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
