Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Randomize
