You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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