I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
