I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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