I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
