getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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