census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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