I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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