One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
