It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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