you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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