First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
