im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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