yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
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i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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