Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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