1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
