Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
