cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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