I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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