I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
