so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
