You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
