"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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