do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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