How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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