looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
