Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
