if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
