So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
