Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
