There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
