I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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