We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
