life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
