I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
