I want to stick my p in your. b.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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