Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
