theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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