I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
