plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
